This was written in January 2011, three weeks after experiencing my miscarriage. I am sharing it here on the blog because many people expressed thanks at the transparency of our story.

I decided to write about this because as Mike and I have been sharing our story, we have been amazed at how many people have relayed that they too have experienced this loss. We have wondered – why were we so immune to this? How did we not realize that a full third of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, until we experienced one ourselves?  While I certainly acknowledge that it’s not the happiest of topics – if it’s such a common thing, why is it not discussed more?  So I have decided to share what happened to us.  The following recounts our experience, it’s not terribly graphic or anything, but of course there are some details of the miscarriage itself included.

Our story starts on Dec 9^th, 2010 when we got a positive pregnancy test.  We were thrilled, and quickly realized it was very early in the pregnancy – not quite 5 weeks along. The next morning at work I couldn’t help but tell a few close friends our exciting news. At 2:30 on that Friday afternoon though, I had what I can only describe as a burst of bleeding, which freaked me out enough for Mike & I to go straight home. I felt absolutely no pain, thankfully, but as the weekend wore on and this happened a few more times, Mike and I were fairly convinced that it wasn’t a viable pregnancy, and grieved it that Sunday night. We put ourselves in God’s hands, and trusted that His plan was better and bigger than what our current hopes are.

Monday morning I called the doctor’s office, and after asking a few detailed questions, they instructed me to get some blood work done to get a better idea of what was going on. Imagine my surprise on Tuesday when the nurse called to say that according to my numbers, I was still pregnant. My hcG numbers were actually off the charts (at 5 weeks the norm is 40-7000, I was over 9000) but my progesterone was low, so they started me on a progesterone supplement. At this point, Mike and I were a bit hopeful, but still very cognizant of the fact that this was a completely different experience than our first pregnancy.  Meanwhile, the odd, painless bursts continued, about every 48 hrs.

I had more blood work done on Wednesday 12/15/10, to gauge if my levels were increasing or not. After an anxious Thursday, in which we didn’t hear from the doctor’s office, I called the nurse first thing Friday morning. While waiting on a return call, I found a room by myself and prayed. I was starting to worry and was getting scared, and during my prayer, God very clearly whispered to me “Everything that happens to you comes through my hands. Anything that happens to you in this life is going to be ok, because you have eternal life with me.”  I definitely felt better upon hearing that – my heart was calmed, and I thanked God for His love and His plan, and His peace.

Within an hour, the nurse called me back. Upon reviewing the #’s and discovering that they hadn’t really increased, I was asked to come in for a sonogram. Mike and I are so very thankful that we were both able to get to the doctor’s office right away, since they were closing early for their holiday party. The sonogram was very helpful – the doctor was able to see that I was experiencing what they call sub chorionic bleeding, which explained the bursts over the week. We could also all see very clearly an empty gestational sac. I believe God orchestrated this, and allowed us to see that at that point, there was no fetal pole (an early sign of the embryo) or a heartbeat or a yolk sac. Our Dr. was quite wonderful (compared to many horror stories I read online about miscarriages) – she said that while I was still pregnant at this point, and she had definitely seen pregnancies like this carry to full term – she was also clear that this was a very high risk pregnancy, and that there were no guarantees. We scheduled another sonogram and blood work for after Christmas, to see where we were by then.   That was around noon.

Mike & I returned to work for the afternoon. As the day progressed, I started feeling a little off. Not in pain, but just uncomfortable. On the drive home, I could tell that things were happening, and by the time I had changed out of my work clothes, it was clear that the miscarriage was truly beginning. Thankfully, by God’s grace, I was in no pain. Throughout the night I said a lot of prayers, read a lot about miscarriage & what to expect, and really rested that evening. I read enough to know that I wanted a natural miscarriage if at all possible, and asked God to allow for that to occur. Saturday I woke up, cleaned the house, and ran errands. Saturday night Mike & I celebrated his birthday (early) with his family, and then we attended our work Christmas party, but had to leave early as the next “wave” of the miscarriage began. At this point, we didn’t tell anyone in his family anything – it was still too raw and fresh to share. It was easier to go on as if everything were normal.  A funny story – Mike had enjoyed a drink or two between the birthday celebration & the party, so we determined that I should drive home. I took the back roads home, and wasn’t paying attention to the speed limit, so a cop stopped me for going 40 in a 30. When he asked if I had a reason for going over the limit, I told him the honest truth… that I was in the middle of a natural miscarriage, and was on my way home. His look of astonishment and being caught off guard told me he probably hadn’t heard that one before! He very courteously let me go with a warning. As we drove off (slowly) – I mentioned to Mike – I wonder if he really believes me? We were sure that he would share my explanation with the rest of his patrol and wondered if he would question the authenticity, particularly since I was the one driving! I choose to believe that he saw my honest reaction and trusted my story. Still, it was a good laugh for Mike & I during an otherwise somber event.

Again, throughout Saturday night – I experienced no pain. Rather, I felt like I was truly at peace, in the middle of God’s joy. Perhaps it was because for the last week I had been on eggshells every moment, and I was thankful to have a definitive answer; or perhaps it was because we were viewing this as more of a loss of opportunity, than the loss of life. Either way, I had truly yielded myself wholeheartedly to God’s plan, and He had reminded me that I was in His hands – and it felt wonderful to completely, utterly trust in Him. I have never felt such peace or joy before. I know that it makes no sense – 6 months prior, if you had asked me how I’d feel if I experienced a miscarriage – I would have said utterly devastated. So that’s how I know it was truly God’s peace, and God’s joy, carrying me through.

On Monday, I called to let the doctor’s office know that I had experienced the miscarriage. Since I was not in pain, we just determined to get my bloodwork done again that week, and keep the original sonogram appointment on 12/27, to ensure everything was returning to normal. The rest of the week was great. I went to work every day, and was happily experiencing God’s joy through each moment. My mom arrived for her Christmas visit on Wednesday 12/22, and I shared the news with her then – I had waited for her arrival to tell her, so that she could truly see that I was doing ok.

Thursday night everything changed. We had just sat down to a late dinner around 8pm, and I felt the same pressure from the previous weekend, when I believed I had fully miscarried. I was still feeling no pain, thankfully. As I stood up to go to the bathroom, it was like a dam burst. I hadn’t experienced my water breaking when I went into labor with Zane, but I imagined it to be a similar feeling. I was surprised, since nothing had occurred for 5 days, but at that point I was still not terribly worried. I got myself decently cleaned up in the downstairs bathroom, and when there seemed to be a break in the bleeding, I went upstairs to take a shower, while Mike & my mom took care of washing clothes & cleaning up (I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say nearly everything was literally covered with blood). By 9pm, when nothing had slowed down, I was worried and called the emergency line at the doctor’s office. The on-call nurse gave me some parameters and guidelines – basically, if I was going through a pad an hour, to go to the hospital. So Mike & I waited 30 long minutes – we tried to play a game on our phones, but I was too distracted. By 9:30pm, I wanted to see where things were – and halfway to the bathroom, it was very evident to me, by the amount of blood and how I was feeling, that we were going to have to go to the emergency room. I slowly got dressed, and determined that one more visit to the bathroom was necessary before we could leave. Thankfully Mike was there, and was at my side when I told him that I was really feeling horrible. With each step into our bathroom, I felt worse and worse, and told him I was getting scared.

It’s at that point that Mike caught me as I passed out.  I am so glad that he was there to catch me, and that I didn’t fall – I could have hit my head on any number of surfaces in the bathroom.  He said that he’s never been more scared in his life – first I was green, and then he saw all the life drain from my face and felt me go limp, and saw my eyes roll back in my head. Mike said it took less than a minute for me to come to. From my perspective, he was waking me from a dream, a dream in which I was at a techno club with ridiculously loud bass music playing. (turns out that was my blood working very hard to pump through my body) I remember his fuzzy fleece in my face as he was holding me up, and not understanding what was going on. After a couple of seconds of complete disorientation, he explained what happened and I panicked. I had broken out in a cold sweat and was clammy and felt awful. I told him to call 911 immediately. He got a great dispatcher on the line, who calmly walked him through having me lay on the floor. While we waited, I asked for my chapstick – which turned out to be one of my best friends over the next 12 hours! Mike’s recollection of this event definitely includes my frequent (and sometimes oddly timed) requests for my chapstick.

Within 5 minutes, the firemen showed up first, and got me downstairs. As we waited for the ambulance, they took my vitals and convinced me it was ok to have called 911. I have to mention at this point – Zane never woke up. Not while Mike was screaming at the top of his lungs to my mother downstairs. Not when the 5 firemen tromped up and down the stairs. Not when the EMT’s brought in the bulky gurney, or wheeled me out on it. That kid is a trooper! He also provided a great distraction for my mother the next morning while she anxiously awaited news from us.

Once the ambulance showed up, it took them only a few minutes to determine that I should get to the hospital. Thankfully they let Mike ride in the front – and even though he wasn’t right next to me, I could hear him talking to the EMT that was driving, and I felt better. I said a lot of prayers on that ambulance ride, continually putting myself in God’s hands. It was good to see my vitals and to get confirmation that while my condition was serious, it wasn’t perilous by any means.  I kept asking questions about hemorrhaging and the incredibly patient EMT reassured me he was keeping an eye on me but wasn’t worried that was happening.

The next few hours in the ER were a blur. Lots of kind doctors and nurses, but they poked and prodded and didn’t give us much explanation or information in between long waits. Oddly enough, the main nurse taking care of me was 7 months pregnant. I mentioned to Mike that I was thankful God had given me peace over the situation – because otherwise, I figured it would be really hard to be experiencing a miscarriage while having a pregnant belly staring you in the face the whole time! After what seemed forever – (a perspective probably made longer due to the fact that they wouldn’t let me drink anything, since there was a chance I might need surgery )– I had a coughing fit which seemed to exacerbate the issue. This freaked me out again and it prompted another visit from the doctor. Finally, after a pelvic examination, the ER doc told me that I would need a DNC procedure – basically, surgery to remove all the remaining tissue.  This was the one thing that I had been praying against, so I was pretty disheartened, and that finally caused me to break down crying. Mike and I immediately prayed, and I asked God to protect my womb during the surgery to ensure that we could have more children.

Thankfully, before any plans were made, my doctor’s office was contacted, and they told the ER to do a sonogram first, and to put me on Pitocin in order to stop the incessant bleeding. I was surprised at the Pitocin treatment, since I’d only heard it used to induce labor. Turns out it also helps shrink & firm up the uterus, thus assisting with stopping bleeding. After the sonogram revealed an empty uterus, the ER staff told us to try to rest – hah! It was 2am though, and even with only an ER gurney for me, and two stiff hospital chairs for Mike, it was enough to fall asleep in a darkened room.  We called my mom, made sure Zane was still ok, and told her to get some rest. We called Mike’s night-owl sister, let her know what was going on, and informed her that we might need her (at that point we still figured surgery was imminent, and wanted Mike to go home & get some rest if he could). That wasn’t to be though – around 4am, they woke us up to inform us that I was being admitted to the hospital for observation – not only for the DNC surgery, but also to see if I needed a blood transfusion, since the labwork indicated that I had lost so much blood.  We finally got settled into a room around 5. At this point, Mike had been pretty much awake for over 24 hours, so he immediately fell asleep on the lounger. As I was being officially “admitted” to the hospital, I met yet two more wonderful nurses (they were all sweet, thoughtful and considerate to me through the whole experience) – and in conversation with them, I found out that they had also had miscarriages. Just like two of the nurses in the ER. I was amazed to discover by the end of my visit that 4 out of the 6 nurses I encountered had experienced at least one miscarriage. (And in conversations since, I can say the majority of women I’ve spoken to have as well)

By 5:30am, I was able to sleep also. A few pokes and prods over the next few hours reminded me that I was in the hospital, but overall sheer exhaustion allowed me to fall right back asleep after each seemingly rude awakening. Each turn or movement though, I could feel an immediate, disconcerting pounding in my head.  At 10am we got a wonderful visit from the on-call doctor at my OB’s office, and praise God – after a quick examination, she determined that I would not need surgery. God came through again! We were relieved and thrilled. She did indicate that she still wanted to observe me due to the blood loss, and that a blood transfusion was still a possibility. At that point though, we were reassured that I would definitely be going home that day – which was great news, since it was now Christmas Eve!!

Once we finally had some definitive (and somewhat good) news – we called around to the local family members to let them know what happened. Mike’s parents came up to bring me food (woohoo! I was starving after not eating or drinking since lunch the day before! My chapstick was the only thing keeping me sane – I tend to lick my lips when I’m thirsty, which only serves to dry them out more…chapstick to the rescue!) Due to my food allergies, there’s not much I could have at the hospital. So while I was happy to eat and drink – all the meanwhile, I had the constant pounding in my head. Anytime I moved slightly, it pounded louder and louder. To me, it sounded like heavy construction was going on in the hospital room next door. That sound became my constant companion for several days! The nurses confirmed – since I had lost so much blood, my heart was having to work very hard to pump what was left through my body.

Around 1pm, the nurse took my vitals. I noticed that my blood pressure was low (for me) – 104 over 56 or so. I mentioned how low that was, and she said it was an improvement from the early morning one, which was 97 over 50. Holy cow! At that point, she also told us that my blood levels had gone down, and that I would indeed need a blood transfusion. Mike’s parents were still there, and I know we all said a silent prayer for protection – even though the blood supply is extremely clean nowadays, there’s always the risk.  So I began to mentally prepare for that, but was also happy that they had reassured us that I would still be sent home later that day.  About 30 minutes later, the nurse came back and told us “Merry Christmas! You’re going home!” She confirmed that my blood levels had indeed gone down, but not quite enough to warrant a blood transfusion. So yet another answered prayer from God.   Within a few hours I was home, resting comfortably, and happy to see my sweet Zane. I felt blessed that I didn’t have to spend all of Christmas Eve in the hospital, and even more blessed that I was feeling well enough the next day to celebrate Christmas with the family. I was certainly not feeling 100% by any means, but I was so very thankful to be surrounded by loved ones, to not be in any pain, and to have avoided both the surgery and the transfusion.

After two weeks, I was finally feeling better. It took me a good week at least to feel even semi-normal. I was more out of it than I realized, but I hear that’s pretty common in these experiences. I went to work on the Monday & Tuesday following the hospital stay – not sure how effective I was, but I made the attempt at least. By Wednesday I was pretty exhausted, and a grandmotherly colleague ordered me to go home. I definitely needed it, as I immediately went to bed. The next few days were spent resting & recuperating, both physically and emotionally.  Even at three weeks post-miscarriage, I was still pretty tired by the end of the day, and I had to remind myself to take it easy. The doctor mentioned that it would take my body 4-6 weeks minimum to replace the blood I lost. Emotionally I had my ups and downs during those weeks – but through it all I remained strong in my faith that God’s plan is best, and I trusted in that more than anything else.

In looking back on this, Mike and I were just amazed how clueless we were about miscarriages and their frequency. It makes us truly appreciate the perfect pregnancy we enjoyed with Zane. It makes us appreciate the miracle of life all the more, knowing that not all pregnancies are guaranteed. It makes us trust in God even more, knowing that He can see the full picture, and that even when things don’t make sense to us, He knows what He is doing.  I feel that I’ve definitely grown closer to God and learned to depend on Him even more through this, and I will always cherish that clear whisper I heard from him before the miscarriage began. I frequently remind myself these days of His words – “Everything that happens to you comes through my hands. Anything that happens to you in this life is going to be ok, because you have eternal life with me.”

I know that not everyone chooses to share if they’ve had a miscarriage, and it’s an extremely personal event, so I understand that. I’ve felt moved to share my story though – for what reason I’m not quite sure, but it’s been a constant thought in my head & my heart, that I needed to share my experience. To end – I’d just like to say that my faith is stronger than ever, and I am excited to see what God has in store for us in the future. I know that His timing is best, and I believe that we will be blessed with more children when the time is right.

 Update 3.5 years later:

After my miscarriage, we became pregnant again in May of 2011.  I was blessed with another perfect pregnancy, and was able to experience God’s love in a whole new way with the phenomenal birth experience (see upcoming post!) of our daughter Ellyson on February 28, 2012.   God truly redeemed the miscarriage for us.  And now it’s June 2014, and we are expecting our third child, due late August.  Trusting in God throughout this whole process and for His design for our family has sometimes been challenging, but ultimately completely rewarding.